My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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