i think my tv is drunk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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