the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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