who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
