Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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