I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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