this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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