I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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