last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
