I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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