i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
