You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
