My liver just broke up with me...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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