matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How external is "for external use only"?
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I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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