someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back