she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
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Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
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I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like