Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I accidentally burped into my bong.

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(405): I accidentally burped into my bong. http://tfl.nu/o9u9

Replies (11) Good night (689) Bad night (2172)
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg

Replies (290) Good night (63175) Bad night (4769)
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(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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(817): I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe. http://tfl.nu/w5m0

Replies (6) Good night (3695) Bad night (1773)
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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(724): Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways. http://tfl.nu/hzks

Replies (25) Good night (5211) Bad night (1697)
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(508): I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch. http://tfl.nu/jvw8

Replies (22) Good night (1127) Bad night (8099)
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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(516): Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads http://tfl.nu/zprq

Replies (2) Good night (2766) Bad night (868)
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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(612): i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore. http://tfl.nu/6de5

Replies (14) Good night (3819) Bad night (874)
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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.

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(317): He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry. http://tfl.nu/4jj5

Replies (4) Good night (693) Bad night (1300)
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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(801): I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified http://tfl.nu/y3tt

Replies (13) Good night (2593) Bad night (1184)
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(707): View more from California

They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven

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(707): They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven http://tfl.nu/tpek

Replies (10) Good night (2071) Bad night (715)
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(402): I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham. http://tfl.nu/kvkl

Replies (3) Good night (1487) Bad night (692)
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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.

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(304): Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle. http://tfl.nu/n2vr

Replies (1) Good night (716) Bad night (285)
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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay

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(330): I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay http://tfl.nu/przh

Replies (4) Good night (360) Bad night (414)
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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(306): he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS http://tfl.nu/n1yt

Replies (5) Good night (517) Bad night (651)
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(917): View more from New York City

What the hell happened to my hand?

(646): View more from New York

Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".

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(917): What the hell happened to my hand? (646): Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over". http://tfl.nu/gfxv

Replies (0) Good night (511) Bad night (224)

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