I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?