Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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