thus making me awesome and them whores
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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