party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
