Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
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i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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