My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
