Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
