Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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