I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
