Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
