we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
