Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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