My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
