my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
