Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
