guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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