i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dating After Heartbreak
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.