The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
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You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.