doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
