I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
