Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
