I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
