My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
