I just saw a hot homeless man
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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