Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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