for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
