No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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