based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
