dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
