Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
