I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
