I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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