now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
