Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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