Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
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He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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