We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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