Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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