Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
