I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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