I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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