Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
