I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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