Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
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I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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